Bloom

Frozen minds

Day 12 (Here we go challenge) - Bullet your whole day

05:15 - I fell asleep.
08:45 - Mom woke me announcing she's going out with her friend.
08:46 - I fell alsleep again.
10:00 - I woke up, this time by myself.
10:05 - Made myself a coffee and lit up a cigarette.
10:10 - Made myself some oatmeal for breakfast.
10:20 - I was either painting or just pottering around.
11:00 - I looked up the bus, I'm gonna meet my girfriend today. I consulted the buses with her.
11:30 - I was finishing my painting.
12:00 - Mom came back. She brought food, yay!
12:10 - I tried to dig something more from that painting by editing it in a program.
12:20 - I gave it up.
12:30 - Took a shower.
13:00 - Mom made a lunch - spaghetti with cheese sauce, yummy!
13:30 - Prepaired myself for the date.
14:20 - Got on a bus
14:55 - Got off a bus. Tried to kill my time in a supermarket.
16:10 - My girlfriend's train arrived
16:20 - We came to a teahouse and had milkshakes.
17:00 - We got out and gone astray in a 25K town.
17:30 - We came to the bar we always go to and got Virgin coladas. Heaven.
17:45 - Some guy S. met once before came to sit with us. He was kinda cool.
18:10 - We left and went to a station to buy the tickets.
18:20 - Walked around the place, enjoyed our time a little (If you know what I mean, hehe)
19:15 - I left home by a bus. Poor S., her train was coming in almost an hour.
20:00 - Came home and had a dinner.
20:30 - I'm writing this.
21:00 - I just had a very cool half an hour long phone call with my friend.
Now I have to pack my stuff because tomorrow I'm going to a hospital. I have a hernia operation on Monday. Wish me luck please...

Day 11 (Here we go challenge) - Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up

     Well, I hope some representative songs will pop up, I want you guys to see some good music I listen to!
1. Franz Ferdinand - Fade together
2. Skillet - Those nights
3. The 1975 - Antichrist
4. Editors - In this light and on this evening (oh Editors, finally)
5. The Smiths - Asleep
6. Vampire weekend - Bryn
7. The Vaccines - Family friend
8. Joy Division - Isolation
9. Editors - Bones
10. Franz Ferdinand - The dark of the Matinée

I couldn't wish for better ones! Enjoy the playlist!

Day 10 (Here we go challenge) - Discuss your first love and first kiss

     Do the kindergarten first loves count?
     I don't see why not, hehe!
     So, I was five, it was my last year of innocent playing with other five-year-old creepers, which I really hated, they were always pulling my long ponytails and shit. But there was one guy, I don't remember his name anymore (I was probably so blinded by that infinite love that I couldn't even memorise it), who was quite nice to me. He was an outsider too, yay! It was nice to have a fellow outsider as a friend.

     I was a kid and kids observe a lot, right? I have one mommy and one daddy. One day me is gonna be a mommy. This guy would be a perfect daddy-thing for me!, I though. One day I even decided to write him a love letter. Which was basically written on a bill from some shop, by a colour pencil, the letters could be like an inch tall, and the best thing - some of them were mirror-reversed, like J or S. Luckily, mom never let me give it to him.
     Although, my first kiss was not with this guy. It was a different outsider creep from the kindergarten. He took my hand, crawled with me under the couch (yes, under, so other kids wouldn't see us) and put his disgusting little tonguie into my mouth. Ughhh. So romantic I wanted to puke! Moreover, other kids did see us so the bullying got even worse. Can I get a yay?
     Since then, I had many loves, very less kisses, a couple of weird affairs, and I'm glad I'm over it now. Being in love, especially when your loved one feels the same for you, is just the best thing!

Day 9 (Here we go challenge) - How you hope your future will be like

     Everyone aims for different things in their life. Someone's priority is family, other one's may be career, but I think the highest aim of all of us is happiness.
     This topic is very similar to the one I've already written about.
     Well, the rest is simple: I hope my future will be bright. I hope I live my life in peace and die in peace. I hope I don't get involved in criminal activity, experience any traumatic events, I hope I'll have enough finance to survive and be with the love of my life. That's enough for me.

A lover's poem (or something like that)

Day 8 (Here we go challenge) - A moment you felt most satisfied with your life

     First I have to admit I skipped writing one article - The one about my zodiac sing and how it fits me, because I really don't know much about this thingy. Also, I don't believe in this twelwe types of personalities based on what planet was dominant when you were born. It just doesn't make sense to me as I look at the world from mostly psychological point of view.
     But today I got quite a pleasant topic to write about. Seriously, who doesn't like to reminisce their favourite memories and wish them to become present again? It may not seem like that but happy memories have a huge impact on our final character features.

     I have three of the best memories.
     First one from summer 2008. It was just a month before my parents got divorced but me and mum already lived separately in an apartment which was located not even a mile away from our old home. I always wanted to see a sea but my father just didn't want me to. Not just that he didn't like hot weather and beaches. He didn't even let me and mum go and enjoy this. And boy, how scared I was he would meet me and grab me back home and not let me go see my dream. But everything went well. And when we finally arrived after thirtysix hours of sitting in a bus, feeling every bone of our butts, to the beautiful coasts of Greece I felt like in nirvana. We watched the sunrise, looked for some shells and were happy.

     The second one is from august 2012. My first Christian summer camp. I felt like reborn. Got so much new information about God, met many cool people, enjoyed beautiful nature of the campus.
     And the third one was on May, 31st this year. My girlfriend kissed me, yahoo! It was not the first but the last of May, it was not under the cherry tree, but under some old willows and a rusted roof of a bus station but it was the most romantic moment of my life. I just felt like in heaven. But really, everytime I'm with her I feel like in heaven!
     Anyways, these were just three of my favourites. I know I complain about my life a lot but actually I have A LOT of beautiful memories!
     So, what were your favourite memories or moments you felt most satisfied with your lives?

Day 6 (Here we go challenge) - 30 interesting facts about yourself

          #interesting ... that could be a problem, haha. But I'll try. I hope you'll not die of boredom.

1. My biggest insecurity is objects on the edge of the table or a balcony, falling.
2. I have a 3 inch long mole on my right tight.
3. When I was five I was diagnosed with epilepsy, recovered when I was eleven.
4. In the 5th grade I knew the latin names of around 50 fungi.
5. I don't like history but I don't know why.

6. I'm a gryffindor. In my opinion I was supposed to be a ravenclaw but you know, I'm like Hermione.
7. I'm a cat person.
8. I like to stare at people for a long time and when they notice I start to look everywhere around the room so it would look like I stare everywhere not just at them and I've been told it's creepy.
9. COFFEE ♥
10. I'm pretty shy but when someone dares me to do something I can be very competitive.
11. Table tennis is awesome. I also play floorball as a goalkeeper, I like running, rollerblading, and a lot of sports though I don't do them very often.
12. My most oftenly used quote is "Buuuuuut!!!!"
13. I've been diagnosed with 5 psychiatric disorders.
14. I love Christmas atmosphere but I hate winter and snow.
15. Most of my clothes is black.
16. I like fancy underwear and buying new underwear is the best kind of shopping.
17. When I read out loud I stutter a lot, I read better English than my native language.
18. I can play the accordion and a guittar a bit and recently I started with recorder.
19. Sometimes I draw. And write. And just do various kinds of art.
20. I either sleep 13 or 3 hours a night.
21. My favourite season is autumn, obviously. I love everything about autumn.
22. Yayy I'm gayy
23. I started my first blog when I was 11. It was about cats.
24. I learned to read when I was 4 and I read ever since.
25. I think ironing clothes is absolutely pointless.
26. Spiderman is awesome.
27. My parents are divorced and I have one younger brother (13) and one trans step brother who's the same age as me.
28. I'd like to have a PhD from psychology and become a clinical psychologist.
29. My best relax is doing crafts or art.
30. I love my girlfriend.

Day 5 (Here we go challenge) - A time you thought about ending your own life

     That idea has came to everbody's mind at least once, hasn't it? When we're struggling, we feel like suicide is the option. An escape. But is it really?

     This era of my life started when I was fourteen. It was my first high school year, the classes were harder, I didn't have very good relationships with my classmates, I didn't like my appereance. I was just more and more sad, my colourful wardrobe changed to mostly black and I listened to metal and sad music.

     Then I first cut myself. I made a new tumblr blog which was only black and white, with quotes of depressed people, pictures of wounds, razor blades and gifs from films about suicide.

     This continued. It was still harder and harder to hide the cuts and scars under the clother and bracelets. My mum had no idea about anything that was happening to me. Then I decided to lose weight. I was a bit overweight, that's true, but I was utterly healthy. And so I stopped eating. Not completely, first I cut out junk food, sweets, a few meals. Then I started counting calories. That was the worst mistake of my life. The daily amout decreased to deadly portions of food. If I continued, I wouldn't have been here now.

     When I was sixteen, I was sent to a psychiatrist. Mum found out about everything. I had lost 30 pounds (14 kilos), though I was not underweight (BMI of 19) so I didn't have to go inpatient. I was prescribed Zoloft and psychotherapy. I got a few diagnosis like severe depression, anorexia nervosa, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety disorder. 

     Nothing really changed. I gained some weight but not because of recovery. Because of binge attacks. I felt even worse about myself.

     They sent me inpatient. I stayed a month in a psychiatric hospital. I got two kinds of new pills. It was not very helpful, just a threat that if I don't stop harming myself I will be sent there again. Or to a clinic which is apparently worse. I didn't really stop but I cut very less then before.

     Two months later, at the Good Friday I attempted a suicide. I cut the vein on my wrist. I was sent to ER and psychiatric ambulance, but for my surprise they didn't keep me there. After all, it was the holiday.

     The following summer was even harder. I had gained all my weight back, was very depressed, but I didn't cut myself anymore. I was surviving.

     Then before Christmas that year (I was seventeen already), my eating disorder got the best of me again. This time it was bulimia. I had episodes of binge eating and purging, and starving. Untill May I lost 25 pounds again. I was worse then ever. I was so bad my doctors were thinking about sending me to a clinic in our capital where I'd have to stay for about a year and so I'd have to pause my studies.

     But then I met her. And she changed my life completely. (See also this article). It was like a miracle. I stopped thinking about food almost at all, became happy. I didn't believe it would ever be possible but it was. No wonder they say that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and then magical things happen. I'm so graceful for her. 

     It does get better. I promise it does. Sooner or later all will be well. Just fight, please. Don't let the demons get you down. You're strong enough! And God will save you, like He saved me.

Day 4 (Here we go challenge) - Your view on religion

     This is quite a difficult topic for me, I'm sorry.
     I'm a christian. Evanjelic - a protestant. But not completely. Let me tell you my religion story...
     I grew up in a family of atheists. All of my grandparents were evanjelic, but my parents didn't believe. I could even hear my father often say that religious people are fanatics, foolish, liers, he just hated them. But my parents divorced when I was 12. Yeah, it took them a long time. I was relieved when it happened at last.
     In the 9th grade when I was 15 something broke in me. It was my first time attending a meeting of church youngsters. The community amazed me. All the people were nice to me, smiled, you could feel the positive energy shining from them. So I decided to join. I started reading the Bible, learning about Jesus. It felt so right and I was happy the Holy Spirit showed me the good path, the path to the Heavenly kingdom and salvation.
     At that time my depression was developing. I cut myself on daily basis but kept praying for it to stop. Those times were complicated. It didn't stop. But that's a different story.
     I had a baptism and a confirmation. Those were the happy moments in a long road of my desperation.
     I continued going to church meetings but everytime I came home I was just more and more depressed. It was hard to listen to about how tainted I was. How important it is to try not to sin. For me it was really hard.
     As time went by I realised I didn't like going there anymore.
     This may sound harsh, but I don't need church. I don't need the Bible. I don't need religion. I only need my God who is helping me through everything. He's my savior.
     I'm a lesbian. Most of the christians say it's a sin. But the way I met my girlfriend couldn't be anything but God's will. He knows what He's doing. He saved me from the deepest shit I've ever been to by sending her to my life. That's how I know loving her is not a sin. I don't feel any guilt at all. And I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.
     In the Bible there's written a lot of things, a lot of rules, a lot of advices. It says it's written by people led by the Holy Spirit. It's something I'm not sure I can believe. I mean, what if? People don't always say the truth. Some of them could invent it.
     It says everyone needs church, their community where they belong and can discuss their faith. I think not everyone needs this. The most important is God. And He's always with us.
     My point is that religion is not so important. Any religion, not only this one. For some it is all they have, other ones don't need it, they only need God, which they might not realise but they'll find out sooner or later. God stands by their side all the time. There's only one God. And it doesn't matter if someone's a christian, a muslim, a hinduist, a budhist, a jewish or anything. The main point of them all is not to be an asshole and do what is right to do.
     There's one more thing that bothers me about religion. It's the society, again. I know, the Bible says to spread the Word, but hey, don't cram it into people's asses when they refuse. It's more contraproductive than good. Don't worry, they'll find the way to God.
     And on the other side, if you're not religious, don't be mad at religious people. Don't judge them. Don't call them words. That's only pathetic.

Day 3 (Here we go challenge) - Your view on drugs and alcohol

     Have you ever tried some?
You haven't? You're a lucky person.
You have? You may or may not be a lucky person.
     I think most of us belong to the second group. And most of us also probably agree with me that drugs and alcohol are dangerous.
     Of course, it's nice to get drunk sometimes, have fun with friends, dance a little, or get high from weed, laugh without a reason and feel fine. But the golden rule works here too - 'Everything with moderation'. Which could be hard. And if you know you often have problems with moderation, don't try it at all.
     We should be careful though. Some drugs don't have the level of moderation. The withdrawal symptoms come after the first dose. Those are for example heroin, metamphetamine and others.
     I don't know much about drugs but when I was in a psychiatric hospital I met a few "junkies" there. They looked terrible, they weren't ugly or anything (they had many bruises and wounds though), but the feeling you got after looking into their eyes is unforgettable. I could only see desperation. Sickness. Not even a twinkle of positivity. The truth is, they started doing drugs and alcohol because it helped them escape from reallity, not only to have a little fun. That's when it's especially dangerous. When you take it up to get you from shit and it gets you to even deeper shit.
     To get this to even a higher level, you don't only get mentally and somaticaly addicted, it can cause you several brain damage, total paralysis or even death.
     So please, please be careful.

Day 2 (Here we go challenge) - Where you'd like to be in 10 years

     Everyone's making plans for the future, aren't we? What other purpose would our lives have if we couldn't plan and follow our dreams? Today I attended a meeting of youngsters from our church and one girl had a very interesting talk. I'm gonna try to recapitulate it here.
     It's funny how we try to schedule our lives: finish school, maybe graduate from college, find a job, get promoted, have a family, etc, yet we don't even know if we survive the following night. We are only individuals, small creatures in this universe and we have no idea how long we'll be allowed to stay here. We don't know what exact purpose God has for us. But we can be sure He has some. And He's gonna use us exactly as He wants to, no matter what plans we make. But I personally believe He either listens to our prayers and maybe slightly changes His mind about how He's gonna use us or at least He makes us want to be like that and do what He wants us to do.

     Where I'd like to be in 10 years? Probably at some nice place (like coasts of Ireland) with my love and a pug and a few cats running around, having a PhD from psychology, sitting in front of our cottage staring at a bonfire with a glass of vine in our hands, cuddling. Maybe once in a while grabbing a guitar and playing & singing our favourite country songs. Watching fireflies and being happy.
     But only God knows what the future holds.

Day 1 (Here we go challenge) - Your current relationship

     Do you believe in love at the first sight? I didn't. I used to think two people have to know each other perfectly and then they can fall in love. Know all the secrets of the other one, their life story, taste in music, films, what type of toilet paper they use.
     Bullshit. Or at least it's not necessary.
     When I saw her I dropped my jaw. Of course, many of us drop jaws after they see someone really hot. But this jaw drop was different. She just seemed perfect.
     I and my friend decided to socialise a little bit (I, a sociophobic almost never went out) and took a train to the nearest city where a meeting of Otaku (fans of anime and japan if you by some chance don't know) was supposed to happen. When we came we didn't know anyone. We just timidly came closer to a group of unknown faces and tried to act cool. When suddenly, her - the one I noticed before, the tall girl in black dress with lace sleeves and on high heels came closer, introduced herself and shook the hands with us. She noticed we were probably new there and no one else came to greet us. So she was even nice! And her voice was as beautiful as her face.
     I didn't feel very comfortable at the meeting, after an hour I ran away from there because of my panic from people. But later on I found her on facebook, added her and waited.
    When I came on facebook the next day, I had about ten notifications, which basically never happend, I was always surprised if I had one (yeah, I'm that kind of a loser). She accepted me and liked almost all of my profile pictures. And she also wrote me a super nice message. That feeling, oh that undiscribable feeling! You know - butterflies in my stomach and stuff.
     So we started texting and then we met.
     I never found enough courage to go out with someone I barely knew, especially not alone. But this time it was different. It felt amazing. I had the best time!
     She kissed me at our next date.
     And that's how we got together.
     So now I do believe in love at the first sight.
     I've never been as happy as I am now. I just love her so much.
     So yeah. My current relationship status is taken with the most beautiful, cleverest, nicest, most adorable and most amazing girl in the universe. And I hope that's never gonna change. Wish us luck ^__^

HERE WE GO CHALLENGE